Presumably, we’ve all seen the movie Good Luck Chuck. Hilarious Old School Dane Cook, stereotypical early 2000’s Rom-Com. You know, the cheesy-good-stuff. It’s about a man who comes to find out that every girl he’d been with ends up with the love of their life after him. It’s becomes a known fact, and hilarity ensues when he finds a girl who he doesn’t want to leave him.
Hi, I’m Chuck. It’s a theory I’ve been working on for a while now, not actively investigating, but just being observant of the people who come and go in my life. It seems to have become a sort of tradition that when I get really close to someone (man, woman, boy, or girl) and genuinely feel for them, I help them become the best that they can be. I push people past their comfort zones to experience their lives and realize their full potential. (Or, you could say I, at the very least, get the ball rolling…to be less dramatic about it) It always comes back to bite me in the ass. I take the fantastic people that I meet, make them realize that they’re too fantastic for me, and they go on to flourish. I unintentionally push people forward with their lives, leaving myself in the dust, barely able to function, wondering what in the hell I’ve ever done to deserve being left by everyone; while at the same time wishing them the best, because I wouldn’t, for one second, have them stuck back here with me.
That’s the empath in me: ‘help others, yourself be damned,’ ‘as long as everyone else is safe and happy,’ ‘I’m happy if they’re happy.’ Don’t get me wrong, I do spoil myself, taking days off to just lie around and read/watch TV/movies, I bought Betty for myself (not solely so my mom could have a car…), I buy myself lots of Ghirardelli, and got myself even more movies for Christmas. I take care of myself, because there’s nobody out there to do it for me, and I wouldn’t want anyone to.
Reading all the amazing fanfic I’ve been reading this past week has literally brought me to tears; because these fictional characters love each other so much, that gravitational-pull-borderline-telepathic-abilities-dangerous-selflessness kind of love that I have never and will never know. I’m not being a pessimist about it, I’m just being real. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I ever did get it. Something I wouldn’t have to fight for, someone who would actually be the one to fight for me, stay with me, regardless of my mood swings and larger than life personality and unrealistic life goals, and be happy to do it. Such a person does not exist. I understand that is a romanticized stereotype and that everyone has their problems, but my problem is that I firmly believe that everyone deserves better than me, and I’m really very good at convincing people that I’m right.
Every guy I’ve ever been serious with has moved on to either be married with kids, or at the very least in a long term relationship that they’re content to stay in regardless of the circumstances (OK, even I know that there’s no way he can actually be happy, but that ship has sailed, and there ya have it.) There is only one guy who didn’t do any of those things, but we’ve cut ties regardless; he was one of those hard nuts to crack, but we both just used each other to help fill a void, neither of us wanting anything more than that out of it, neither one of us believing ourselves worthy of anything more. It was a brilliant time, but all things must come to an end.
I regret nothing. Although I am lonely and in (sometimes desperate) need of non-platonic companionship, I have gotten to a place of acquiescence where I’m not allowing myself to really care enough to want to do anything to change it, but wishing I could all at the same time (or that it would just magically happen without me knowing or having to do anything about it). The not really caring part is what keeps me from looking like a totally-psycho-cat-lady desperate for a man, but it apparently also is what exudes the I’m-not-looking-don’t-even-bother-talking-to-me look too.
So, there you have it, if you need the motivation to move on in your life, or if you need a little guidance to accomplish something you’re not quite sure you can do, I am, and always will be, here to help. I’m not even kidding, if any of you ever need anything, please reach out; literally my existence revolves around me helping those who need it.
Always remember that you deserve the best; love you awesome nerds!