You hear it all the time. There are too many mentions of “the little things” to count. Tallahassee said it, Sherlock said it, and if you Google “little things quotes” there are pages and pages of them.
Today (Wed, Dec 6th) is not a good day for me. Probably some combination of being off my meds, not sleeping (I should have known better than to look up Destiel fanfic on Tumblr…), and harldy eating anything since my lunch on Monday (I ate like 3/4c of pasta at 3pm on Monday afternoon then nothing until my mom made individual pizzas last night at about 8pm, and I had to choke that down…I’m just not hungry. It’s currently 11am Wed). I couldn’t get myself out of bed this morning, and I had to make myself take a shower; I was late to work (which really isn’t unusual) and cried almost all the way there. The thoughts started in the shower when I just started thinking of how awesome the Always Keep Fighting campaign is, and how fantastic it is that the Supernatural Family (primarily Jared) has set up the Hotline and everything to help people through some of their darkest times. That got me thinking that I wish I could do more, then realizing that I’m not in the right headspace to offer anything of importance to anyone, and it just went down hill from there. What am I doing with my life? How can I actually make a difference? What would I actually be able to accomplish on my own to effect change? The only answer I could come up with is nothing, I can’t. My brain went from celebrating something good someone has done to help people to tearing me all the way apart. The darkness of the longer night’s has finally taken it’s toll on me and I’m finding it so hard to see the light.
I often think about suicide. Not like I’m actually going to do it, I just casually think of what other people’s lives would be like without me and how I would do it. Depending on how much I hate myself at the time changes how I would do it. If I’m not terribly pissed at myself it would be sleeping pills, it would be so peaceful to just slip into a never-ending dream; but if I’m hating on myself super hard it changes into things like high speed car accidents, running my car into the river, banging my head against the wall until I’m unconscious and hopefully bleed to death before somebody finds me…how long would it be until someone found me and by the gods I hope its not my mom. There is no end to my self loathing. Of course, my reasons for killing myself are almost the same as the ones to keep going. I always think of how worthless I am to those around me and that I’m not doing anything with my life; the reason I don’t is that I haven’t accomplished the things I want to yet and that there might actually be someone in my life who needs me in some way and I’m not not able to see it. This morning in the shower I was thinking of how I could do it in a way that wouldn’t be discovered as suicide, so that my mom could get the insurance money. Would my tire blow if I had a nail in it and hit the highway? If I were to have a “blowout” and my tiny car happened in front of a semi-truck, would she get money from my car insurance too?
I *really* want to quit my job today. I wish I could take a mental health day, why don’t those exist for most companies? Like, how can I provide good customer service to people if I’m doing everything in my power to not scream at the top of my lungs, burst into tears, and go punch a wall? Maybe if I explained that to my district manager he would understand. Or maybe he’d just give me the number to our “on call” doctor to “get help.” Like I’m not already seeing someone. Gods of Olympus, I am like, crazy pissed today.
It’s always the little things that can determine major things that happen. A bad phone call from a customer on an already bad morning and I’m ready to get both my cars repoed, evicted, the electric shut off, and not be able to feed my animals. I’m not capable of rational decision making when I get like this, so I just shut down and just do what I need to do to survive the day. Gods, I want to live life, not just survive it! I’m at my wits end, but in the darkest times can come the clearest thinking; I’m just waiting for my epiphany so I can see the light again. All I have to do is make it through and things will be different; but, then again, that’s what I always tell myself.
A smile from a stranger, a free piece of candy, a by-the-door parking spot, a surprise text from a friend, an unexpected opportunity, a smile from your kid (if you’re into that sort of thing), or even just a good day can make all the difference in the world; even if you have to remind yourself about it. If you can do what little you can do to make other’s lives better, it can and will help you feel like you belong, it gives you a sense of purpose, which in turn makes yourself feel better. Every little bit can help, it’s all the little things; they can either build up into awesome opportunities, or buildup in to heinous monsters. But the little things are definitely the most important things this life has to offer.
**UPDATE: I ate a small stuffed chicken breast when I got off work today, so I’ve eaten once a day for the last 3 days. Also, I remembered to take my sleeping pills tonight! We’ll see how well tomorrow goes.**
Enjoy the little things; love you awesome nerds!