BI-polar

Sorry my post is late today. I totally spaced last night when I got off work. 

I went to Walmart for A CAN of dog food, ended up getting 4 cans, 2 small votive candles, and 2 small jar candles, then decided not to have them bagged. When I got home I managed to carry them all in, plus my chicken sandwich I got for dinner. I laid down after taking care of the animals (if I haven’t said so before I’ve got a dog and 2 cats).

My dog has been having a round of seizures this week, so she’s still getting over those and has to go out fairly frequently so that she doesn’t completely ruin our carpet! So, I eat my sandwich, lay down and watch My Name is Earl, since Netflix has decided this is the last month they’ll have it, bitches. At about 12am I go to check the alarm on my phone and realize that I don’t have it. I had left it in the car all those hours and had no clue! I had 11 missed calls, an angry voicemail, and a threatening text all from my mom, and a mock-concerned text from my sister, probably compelled by my mom. I tried calling back but she still hasn’t answered…it’s 10am now! *insert eye roll and nervous laugh here* Needless to say I didn’t even think about the blog until about 12:37, and deciding that 23 minutes wasn’t really long enough to come up with anything legible, I decided that I would just be late with it. So here goes:

I’M GOING TO SAVANNAH Y’ALL!!!!! 

It’s just for a few days vacation with a girl from work who’s never been, but I haven’t been back since we moved away fall 2013 and I miss it like I miss being able to breathe air like a proper human being!

All of that being said, it’s actually very dangerous for me to get too excited about things, even things as AWESOME as getting to go back to Savannah. (Georgia, in case there may be any confusion, not that I’m aware of any other Savannah’s that are so awesome…) If I allow myself to get too excited I’m actually losing control of my emotions. Having BPD I have had to develop a persona that doesn’t feel things quite so much in order to keep the mood swings in check. If I get too excited, then that means that the drop will be all the deeper for it. Like getting excited is the North Pole, then I drop down to the South Pole either if things don’t go as awesome as I’d imagined, or when all the excitement has worn off and the mundane sets back in. Either way, it’s not looking too good, but I’ve learned to take the good as well as the bad and to enjoy the good things while they’re happening without worrying too much about the drop to come.

I’ve probably talked about self control before, being such an unconscious part of my day-to-day life, but it’s something that most normal people don’t even have to consider. To them self control may include not eating that second piece of cake, instead of not eating the rest of the entire cake, or being too excited just for the possibility of cake. (Now I really want cake…dammit) I’m told often that I get “too loud,” or “too much” when I get excited about something, like I can help it. I get super talkative and sometimes I do get above the standard “inside voice,” but part of BPD is feeling things too much, so when I get excited, I get ECSTATIC, and when I get bummed out, I get depressed. The only way I can find a middle ground is when I just don’t let myself feel about anything. Sometimes, if someone else’s feelings about something mean more to me than mine did, I will be able to curb my expectations or disappointments in order to spare them from whatever I may be feeling myself. Mostly that happens with my mom, but I’ve had it happen with friends too…this trip is threatening to be that way. 

Not only am I going back, but this will be her first time ever being there, and I’ve talked so highly of it, that I feel some pressure to make it the most amazing trip. Savannah can do that on it’s own, but I want to make sure she gets the full tourist and local experience. The sites, the food, the tours, the shopping, the food…just everything. It’s all me putting pressure on myself, but I love to give people a spectacular experience. I try to think of everything, without it feeling confining or planned or prepped. A genuine, authentic, mind blowing experience. (Maybe I should be a party planner…I’ll file that one away for later!) I love Savannah, maybe a little too much!

Anywho, I’m literally at work now finishing this up so I’m gonna run now!

Rule #32, enjoy the little things; love you awesome nerds!

2 thoughts on “BI-polar

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  1. Not that I know anything about anything but…. somehow I’m fairly certain that girl will have a fantastic time whether you do everything or absolutely nothing, because she enjoys your company and being in an awesome place is just a plus.
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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